


stretched thin

by napeepoopeta



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Flashbacks, Idols, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:14:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25035292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/napeepoopeta/pseuds/napeepoopeta
Summary: Seventeen gets disbanded. Joshua does not want to let go of Jeonghan.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally written as a fic of my previous otp. i wanted to know what i'd feel when reading this as a jihan fic so here we go!

_“How much do you love me?”_

_“What’s with the sudden question?”_

_“Come on, how much do you love me?”_

_“So much. I love you so damn much.”_

_“On a scale from zero to kimchi?”_

_“Kimchi, with you eating next to me.”_

i.

Being a clumsy soul only some of his closest friends know of, Joshua almost trips over his own foot as he hurriedly makes his way to his closet after an unexpectedly long shower. He has a family dinner at seven and it is almost six thirty, yet he is still at home while—according to the messages he received—his mother and uncle are already on their way to the restaurant.

Thinking too much when showering was a bad idea, really.

With one last look at the full-length mirror in the corner of his minimalist bedroom, he deems himself good looking enough for tonight. He then gathers his phone and wallet before driving off to the Japanese restaurant his mother likes, which is located in Myeongdong. There is a small smile dancing on his lips, coming from the feeling of freedom for being able to mobile around as he pleases without a bunch of screaming fangirls following behind (he still can see a car full of fangirls on his tail, though).

Yes, it has been three years since the disbandment of Seventeen, and it has been two years since he became a song composer under the small agency run by Jihoon and Seungcheol.

The group was doing great in gaining popularity, even much better than the previous years. However, with the fame came the awful limitation of free time and privacy. Individual schedules were nothing unfamiliar anymore to the members—the fans seemed like they all wanted a piece of them equally, and taking flights to other countries was like taking a bath to them. One by one, as the time passed by, they started showing signs of weakness as the impact of the management’s greediness and poor handling of their artists. It was not long before the managers gathered them for a serious talk which resulted in the members saying _it is better if we do not renew our contract as Seventeen_.

Of course, there were tons of fans who expressed their anger and disappointment at the decision, but the rest of them gave their full support to Seventeen, saying that they were grateful the members could finally have a peaceful life and wishing them a wonderful life ahead. At least thirteen of them stayed together until the last _say the name._

On one fine day in May three years ago, Joshua did not even hold back his tears as he hugged his ex-groupmates one by one. A teary eyed Mingyu asked if he would willingly be their tour guide if they ever came to LA, and Joshua took no longer than a second to answer yes. He also told them he would definitely miss their good times together, before leaving the dorm he had lived in for years.

But truth to be told, Joshua misses their bad times as well. He misses their heated arguments, their childish bickering, their terrible sarcasms—he misses everything about the members, although negative. The brotherhood thirteen of them had as Seventeen will never be easy to forget.

What happened happened, and it was for their own good anyway since they had worked past the limits their bodies allowed. Slavery contract was their nightmare.

No longer together in a group does not stop Joshua from keeping in touch with everyone, even with Jun who has settled down in China as an actor. Soonyoung, Minghao, and Chan now work for a well-known dance academy in Seoul as dance tutors, while Wonwoo helps his father run his business. Seungkwan has joined a small agency; he is still a singer but most of the time he sings off-air. As for Hansol, he chose to try modelling along with Mingyu. Only Seokmin stays under their previous agency, but now he just focuses on his acting skills. And as for Jeonghan—

Jeonghan. Yoon Jeonghan.

The name itself is enough to cause the corners of his lips to twitch into a smile and spread warmth all over his chest, but the aching in his heart that follows a second later is what Joshua hates from saying his name in his head.

Jeonghan, in short, was the best thing that ever happened in Joshua’s idol life. Despite the fact that the older boy joined Seventeen late, they only took seconds to click when they first met each other officially in the green practice room. They later became the pranksters in Seventeen, often causing Seungcheol to have temporary fatigue, but no one else could light up the atmosphere the way they did. Sometimes both of them also gave each other the cold shoulder, but it would never be long before the members witness them feeding each other chips while watching a movie in the living room.

Through Jeonghan, Joshua learned so many things, from how to act properly in front of cameras to how to handle a crying person. The beautiful boy also taught him about feelings—that, he will never forget, ever.

Jeonghan brought so many changes in him.

Upon nearing the place he is going to have dinner at, Joshua takes a deep breath, willing all the previous thoughts to go away so that they will not ruin the night. Even after leaving the life as a member of Seventeen, he still chooses to stay in Seoul and living alone in his apartment instead of going back to LA. His mother did not force him to live with her either, knowing well that it would be better for her son to just continue his life there instead of starting anew in LA. She just asks for Joshua’s time whenever she comes flying across the ocean to visit him.

Sure, three years have passed by since Joshua was entitled as a member of the vocal team in Seventeen, but it seems like forever is what it is going to take for the public to really forget him. The moment he enters the restaurant, almost all the heads turn at him before whispers and squeals of admiration can be heard. He instantly feels self-conscious about how he looks, but then he remembers Jeonghan once said that he looked hella fine in a simple black shirt and trousers (which is what he is wearing right now) and he immediately feels all better again.

“Jisoo!”

The excited shout of his Korean name successfully pulls him back to reality. He mentally slaps himself for spacing out in such a fancy restaurant full of people like this before approaching the table where his family is, the smile pasted back on his face.

Joshua should have seen it coming, should have known that there would be an addition at their table, but he chooses to act oblivious of it. Someone, who called him a few seconds ago, is sitting on the right side of his mother at the silk clothed round table, and it cannot be helped how his brain automatically commands his facial nerves to form a displeased look. Thankfully, he is quick to realize his mistake and swiftly changes his expression to a bright one, hoping that his slip up is mistaken as a mere confusion as to why he has an unannounced guest.

There, sitting in between his family members is Shin Heejin—his kindergarten friend in LA who came to Korea to debut but left her agency just five months before her group’s debut, the girl her mother once said to match the qualifications to be her daughter-in-law, and the girl who has been coming to his family events.

Joshua sits next to Heejin after greeting her politely, which earns him a smile from his uncle. His mother tells him that they have ordered the food in advance and are waiting for it to be delivered to their table, and his mind suddenly reels back to that moment in Japan when Jeonghan got childishly upset at Seokmin for ordering on his behalf since he was late to come to the restaurant across their hotel. He chuckles at the remembrance.

“Why are you chuckling?” his uncle asks with amusement in his eyes.

Joshua lets out another chuckle as he remembers that Jeonghan often said he wanted to get closer to Joshua’s uncle so that he could eat at his restaurant for free. “Nothing.”

The older man is about to ask again but gets stopped as a waiter comes to their table with a tray full of mouthwatering food. When everything they ordered is finally on the table, the previous topic is fortunately long forgotten.

Joshua does not want any topic about Jeonghan to be brought up during this dinner. He is okay with thinking about Jeonghan, but to have a talk regarding Jeonghan… he does not think he can. Why? Because the pain gets stronger tenfold and he does not want to go through another breakdown, not when he had a new one already after Jeonghan called him last week and enthusiastically said that the bunnies his nephew adopted reminded him of Joshua.

i.

_“Are you going to tell your mother that you’re serious with me?”_

_“Yes, but I don’t know when.”_

_“Are you sure you really want to tell her, though?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“What if she opposes that idea?”_

_“What is not to love about you? Even if she hates the idea of us being together officially, I’m sure she will slowly change her opinion later. You just have to wait.”_

_“I’m not afraid to wait. I just don’t want to wait for something that will never happen.”_

i.

“Are you coming to see Seokmin’s musical tomorrow?”

“It’s tomorrow?” Joshua pauses his game and blinks innocently at Minghao. They are having their weekly meet up, and this time they agreed on visiting a small coffee shop near their dorm back then for the sake of reminiscing the old days.

“Dude,” the Chinese man rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe you forgot—”

The sentence is cut off by a blast of Joshua’s ringtone. It is a personal ringtone, one he has personally set up for a specific person.

Jeonghan’s name flashes on his screen.

Without realizing, unwelcome tears start to pool in Joshua’s eyes and he suddenly feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing his wounded heart. He is not surprised, though, since this is a normal occurrence whenever he receives a call from the slightly older man.

Jeonghan, after the disbandment of Seventeen, decided to pursue his dream to be a barista. It took him about a year to master the skills needed to be a great barista and open a café which, of course, is always full of fangirls every day. His perseverance in achieving his childhood dream is just one of the endless charms of his, and Joshua admires him a lot for that.

Although they still live in the same country, Joshua does not communicate with Jeonghan that much, especially face to face. The last time they met and actually spent time together to have dinner at Jeonghan’s favorite ramyeon house, the older man, in all his seriousness, asked Joshua to never look for him although he knew where Jeonghan worked and lived, to just let fate decide everything— _if we’re destined to cross paths someday, we will, Joshua_.

The ex-vocalist of Seventeen also told him to start loving someone else as well, but he would rather die than do it.

He wants to say that he can no longer bear the pain caused by the man he loved—and still does, but he knows Jeonghan would be disappointed in him. And, no, even if they are not an item anymore, he still wants to make Jeonghan proud of him.

He will survive—if not for himself, then for the thief of his heart.

Joshua still does not really know how many fans know of their real relationships, but if those fans who know think that they are still together, they are completely wrong. With the separation of the members, Jeonghan and he drifted apart, too.

i.

_“I think it’s better if we break up. I’m fighting a losing battle here. I don’t want to drag you down with me.”_

_Joshua choked on his pizza and Jeonghan would usually hit his back repeatedly to help him, but the latter did nothing this time. He took a big gulp of his water and coughed. “What—”_

_“I’m not the one for you. You deserve someone better, Shua. I’m so sorry.”_

_“Han—”_

_“Joshua,” Jeonghan finally looked at the said man, his voice shaking from his unshed tears. “I’ve thought about this again and again. Your mom wants a grandchild, or two, or maybe three.”_

_“Is this about—”_

_“I’m a man. I can’t give birth to your child, Joshua. I can’t make you and your mom happy. I know we can just adopt, but I’m certain what your mom wants is a child of your own blood.”_

_“What—”_

_“I’m deeply sorry for changing you like this,” the tears finally showed up. “Joshua, please go back to the old you before I came into your life. Please go back to that Joshua who always listened to his mom. Marry someone’s daughter, get a child or two, and be happy in the future.”_

_Joshua’s heart constricted at the sight of the man he loved crying, but he knew he could not let himself get too emotional. One had to keep calm for the upcoming storm that might happen. He wanted to believe that this was just Jeonghan’s mood swings taking over him, but the little voice inside his head told him that things were going downhill from this point on. “Yoon Jeonghan, I want you in my future.”_

_Choking back a sob, Jeonghan looked away. “Please don’t make it harder for me, Shua. We just can’t be together. Please understand.”_

_Joshua did not even realize that his own tears had started falling. “I’ve done everything for you and this is our end?”_

_Jeonghan did not answer._

_For a while, the only sound in Jeonghan’s living room came from his television._

_“Hannie—fuck—I had sleepless nights for weeks just thinking if I really saw you more than a friend back then during our training days,” Joshua let out a shaky breath, his tears freefalling. “God, I had inner battles for such a long time for that before I finally accepted it along with the possible consequences. I act on my feelings for you as much as I can, and now you’re telling me to end what we have?!”_

_Jeonghan remained silent._

_“Yoon Jeonghan—”_

_“Your mom doesn’t want me! She wants you to marry a woman, Shua!”_

_“To hell with it! This is about us! This is our love!”_

_“Joshua,” Jeonghan’s voice cracked as he looked at Joshua with pleading eyes. It hurt Joshua to see him so vulnerable like this, but no way would he give in just like that. What they had was not something that could easily be broken like this. No, Joshua would not allow that. “My family didn’t kick me out after finding out about us, but I know they see me as a failure. They, just like your mom, want me to start a normal family with a woman… but I just can’t. That is why I’m here, living alone in this apartment and detaching myself from them. I’m a failure, and let me be the only failure in us. You were doing fine before you met me, I’m sure you can go back to that Joshua again.”_

_“Hannie, please—”_

_Jeonghan forced out a chuckle, but it sounded weird in between his sobs. “We still can be friends, you know.”_

_“How can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them you are thinking about how much more you two were in the past?”_

_Jeonghan closed his eyes and bit his lower lip hard, unable to say anything._

_“I love you. I love you dearly. Is that not enough?” Joshua whispered weakly, voice laced with great despair. Lifting his hands to cup both of Jeonghan’s wet cheeks, he then just stared at the other man in silence. He had known Jeonghan for years; he could tell that none of them wanted this._

_“You know I love you, too. I really do, Shua, but I’m so sorry I can’t fight for you anymore.”_

_“Han—”_

_“Maybe we’ll be together again, sometime, in another life. Maybe I’ll be reborn as a girl and we’ll be together again with your mom’s blessings, or maybe you’ll be the girl,” Jeonghan tried to laugh, but it came out as an ugly sob instead. “I’m so sorry, Shua. I’m so sorry I’m not the one for you. I promise I’ll understand if you hate me after this.”_

_“I can’t hate you,” Joshua’s thumbs Jeonghan’s face with much love, from his eyebrows, down to the skin under his eyes, to his cupid’s bow, before his hands rested at the sides of his beautiful face. “I love you, Yoon Jeonghan, and I don’t think I can love anyone else the way I love you.”_

_“But you have to move on,” Jeonghan leaned into the touch and slightly turned his head to kiss the younger man’s left palm tenderly. “Do it for me?”_

_“I can’t.”_

_“You haven’t even tried it yet.”_

_“I don’t want to,” was what Joshua said before he wrapped his arms around the person he loved the most after his mother, holding him tight in his embrace. This could not be the last time he could to this, right?_

_He would like to think that he was dreaming. This could not be true._

_But the way Jeonghan clutched tight onto the back of his t-shirt told him otherwise._

_And just like that, Joshua could see how all his future plans with Jeonghan shattered into pieces as he closed his eyes tight to stop his tears. He did not want to go, he did not want to let go—he wanted to hold onto Jeonghan for as long as he possibly could, both in figurative and literal ways._

_They broke up the night before Joshua’s first birthday after the disbandment of their group._

i.

Sometimes, Joshua asks himself what he did wrong. He already braved himself to tell his family that he was in love with a man, he was mentally prepared with the obstacles that came his way, and he was always there whenever Jeonghan needed him as well; he did everything he could do to keep their relationship going, but why is he still not enough for Jeonghan?

He misses Jeonghan, he misses him so bad. At nights when he remembers all the late night talks, when he remembers all the songs they sang silly before the real rehearsals, when he remembers all the games they played together during their free times, he will end up losing sleep. He wants to have Jeonghan around him again, he wants to have the older man in his arms again—heck, he wants to just kidnap Jeonghan and lay on a blanket to watch the stars together on top of a hill without thinking much about anything.

There are times when he feels like composing a song for Jeonghan, but he will always get distracted by his aching heart halfway into it. He will delete the file and start all over again, but it will end up just the same and make him feel like he is going crazy.

His break up happened a year after the end of Seventeen, but he just cannot forget Jeonghan even until this very second, let alone do what the latter requested. It is just simply too much. Even if they cannot be together, it does not mean he will stop loving him.

Jeonghan wants him to move on, but how can he do that if Jeonghan keeps coming to his mind every now and then? How can he do that if he cannot prevent his heart from aching whenever he sees things related to Jeonghan?

To put it simply, how can he live without Jeonghan?

If possible, Joshua would like to give all the money he has if anyone could tell him how to make a fresh start, to keep a smile on his face after his whole world fell apart.

i.

_“Have you found someone, Shua?”_

_“What someone?”_

_“You know,” Joshua could sense the hesitance in Jeonghan’s voice at how he had to rephrase his answer. “My replacement.”_

_“…Do I really have to?”_

_“Shua—”_

_“What about you? Have you found someone?”_

_“I… I—”_

_“Tell me, Yoon Jeonghan, have you found someone to replace me in your heart?” Joshua prepared himself for the worst. He could not say he was ready for the answer, but he had to know. “Have you?”_

_“…No.”_

_A small smile crept onto Joshua’s face as he heard the answer. Somehow, he felt kind of thankful that his ex-boyfriend was still single._

_“But I’m not getting back to you. You need to move on. You said you wanted to be the best son your mom could ever have, so please make it come true. I’ll always support—”_

_“You know what, sometimes I wish you didn’t give a fuck about anybody,” Joshua’s grip on his phone became tighter, trying his best to not let the anger control him. He had had enough. “We’d be much happier that way.”_

_“Shua—”_

_“Have you ever thought of how it feels getting your hopes up so high, then having them crushed instantly?”_

_Jeonghan was silent._

_“That shit fucking hurts, I tell you.”_

_However, all the flaming anger in him died down at the sound of Jeonghan’s muffled sobbing. “This is hard for me, too. I love you, Shua. I just want the best—”_

_“Then, why? Why did you leave me? Why did you want me to let you go?”_

_“Shua—” Jeonghan choked on his sob. “Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.”_

_Joshua did not realize that his own tears were already streaming down his cheeks. “Jeonghan, I need you. I need you to complete me. I need you back in my life.”_

_He finally understood how cruel this life could be when Jeonghan wordlessly cut the line._


	2. ii

Seokmin takes a sip of his hot chocolate after making Joshua’s, letting the silence last for three seconds before starting their talk. “How are you, hyung?”

“Mentally or physically?”

“Emotionally,” the younger man puts down his pastel colored mug, the one Jeonghan gave him as a birthday present last year, and looks at Joshua with his gentle gaze. Kitchen should not be the best place to talk for any serious topic, especially in the winter like this, but Seokmin somehow feels at ease when he is doing it there. This particular area in his cozy apartment has been the most perfect place to listen to his visitors’ problems for months. “Look, as someone who knows your past with Jeonghan hyung, of course I’m concerned about you two. I really am. I checked up on him last month, it’s time to check on you now.”

“I’m… fine.”

Seokmin heaves out a deep sigh. “Shua hyung, you can’t change what happened, so don’t waste your time thinking about it. Move on, let go, and get over it. Jeonghan hyung is trying his best to accept the separation, and he’s doing… good. You should, too. I’m not rushing you, though. Take your time to get over your past, hyung. It must be hard, but I know you can do it.”

Joshua puts both his palms around the mug and blows on his drink to cool it down a bit before emptying half of his drink in one go. His heart clenches at the memory of him having a battle of drinking hot chocolate with Jeonghan whenever winter time rolled around years ago. Memories do last forever.

“It’s not easy for him too, hyung, but what else can he do? This is kinda harsh but you know there’s clearly no happy ending for you two. It’s been, like, three years after you separated ways, right? Come on, if you want to make Jeonghan hyung happy, then just do what he asked you to.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Joshua’s hand slightly trembles as he reaches for something in the inner pocket of his navy-blue winter jacket and slides it across the table to his ex-groupmate. He ducks his head down when Seokmin lets out a gasp as the younger finally realizes what is written on the thick, elegant looking paper. “I’m getting married.”

Silence.

“Are you—” Seokmin’s hands are visibly shaking. “Oh God—”

“And if it’s not too much to ask,” _Don’t cry, Shua. You promised yourself you would never cry again. Jeonghan said to not be a crybaby._ “can you please tell Jeonghan that he’s invited, too? Because I don’t think I’ll be able to do so without breaking down.”

“Hyung—”

“ _Please._ ”

Seokmin does not say anything else, choosing to just stare at him with such strong disbelieve and betrayal in his eyes that Joshua cannot find it in him to look back at him.

ii.

_“Joshua.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Move on. Please forget me.”_

ii.

Joshua cannot believe his eyes.

There, standing in all his gorgeousness in front of him is Jeonghan, _his_ Jeonghan. The older man looks dazzling wearing a simple, puffy black winter coat over a black BadinBad hoodie and a cute grey beanie on top of his short jetblack hair, and Joshua swears Jeonghan does not look like he is in his late twenties. No one should look this young at his age, but Yoon Jeonghan manages to.

Out of all the members, Jeonghan is the one he hardly meets, as ordered by the said man himself. Universe still loves him, though, for sometimes it is Jeonghan himself who invites him for a short hangout session if they accidentally run into each other on the streets, although it only happens once in a blue moon. Jeonghan owns a café and Joshua _knows_ where the location is, but he tries his best to grant the older man’s wish to never purposely meet him.

The only way to keep tabs on the man he loves dearly is through their not-so-frequent phone calls, and Joshua has to tolerate that. He is actually not one to approve everything without arguments, but he will take whatever it is that Jeonghan offers to him because it is better than nothing, right?

He respects Jeonghan so much, always has and always will. He will do everything Jeonghan asks, even if it means hell for him.

“Hello, Shua. Long time no see.”

Joshua does not trust himself to say anything in return, being too mesmerized with the wingless angel standing before him. Despite getting older, Jeonghan’s facial features stay similar to what he last remembered. His adorable eyes, his cute button nose, his kissable lips— _stop right there, Joshua!_

“I’ve heard from Seokmin that you’re getting married this Saturday. Congrats! I thought Seungcheol would be the first to get married, but it’s you.”

Joshua has to bite the inside of his cheek to prevent him from launching himself at the older boy and hugging him tight with a promise to never let go. Both his hands are twitching, clenching and unclenching at his sides as a way to keep his emotions in check.

Jeonghan’s eye smile and soft giggle are still as lovable as before, and they still wake up all the butterflies in Joshua’s stomach. _Damn it!_

Realizing that the man before him is unresponsive to his words, Jeonghan’s smile falters and he averts his eyes to just look down at his shoes. He fiddles with his thumbs, a sign of nervousness Joshua has remembered by heart. “Ah, I should’ve known that you’d want to stop seeing me for good after everything I did to you.”

The Korean-American man wants to say something, anything, but he cannot bring himself to do so. Seeing Jeonghan in person and having him talking like this after God knows how long feels like a dream, and of course he does not want to wake up. He wants to just bask in the feeling of having Jeonghan close to him again for the last time before he becomes someone else's husband.

People on the sidewalk gather around them with furrowed eyebrows because _are Jeonghan and Joshua filming something again after SEVENTEEN disbanded?_ but none of the once lovebirds cares. They are way too deep in their own thoughts, asking themselves about what they should do next.

Joshua mentally groans. _Say something, Joshua!_

Thankfully, moments later, Jeonghan lifts his head up and flashes a warm smile at Joshua as if the previous sentence was never spoken. “Ah, Shua, you forgot again.”

Joshua is about to ask what he is talking about when the other gently takes his big bare hands in his covered ones and brings them close to his lips. His tears threaten to fall as he sees how focused Jeonghan in blowing on his cold fingers to give them warmth.

_Stop._

“Do I need to buy you a pair of mittens? There is a small shop selling cute beanies and mittens nearby. I’m sure they have star patterned ones,” Jeonghan softly giggles as he pats his own cheeks using Joshua’s hands to check if he has warmed them enough. When he deems the other’s hands are still too cold, he takes off his own mittens and uses them to cover Joshua’s hands. Once done, he continues his _Save Joshua from Winter Mission_ by fixing the messy wool scarf. “Next time please remember to wear your winter gloves, okay? I can’t always be there to remind you.”

_Please don’t be good to me, Jeonghan._

“Do you bring pocket hand warmers with you?” without waiting for an answer, Jeonghan slips his hands inside the pockets of Joshua’s padding coat only to click his tongue as he finds nothing there. Shaking his head, he retrieves some packets from his own pocket and puts them into his ex’s pockets. “Stay warm. Don’t get sick. Please.”

Joshua just wants to cry.

_Don’t be nice to me anymore, Jeonghan._

“You have to stay healthy for your wedding, Shua. She will be sad if you’re sick on your wedding day.”

_Why are you talking as if it’s nothing? Are you really not affected by it?_

“Anyway, do you want us to sing on your wedding? You know, Seokmin, Seungkwan, and me. Jihoon can also play the piano, too, if you want.”

_Stop it._

“Or the twelve of us can sing together like the good old days! Great, right?”

Jeonghan keeps talking about the wedding in excitement and it is clearly mocking Joshua’s sorrow, yet the latter just lets him be. Seeing his love so enthusiastic always warms his heart, no matter how freezing cold the weather is.

_I’m doing what you asked, and I’m glad it makes you happy like this._

In the end, they part ways with a promise of seeing each other at the wedding hall. Joshua crosses the road and resumes his walk to buy a cake for his soon-to-be bride with Jeonghan’s mittens still covering his hands, while Jeonghan stays rooted on his spot. The soon-to-be groom does not see how Jeonghan hurriedly walks to a dark alley nearby after Joshua is no longer in sight, how Jeonghan leans against the brick wall before slowly sliding down against it, how Jeonghan finally lets his hot tears fall unrestrained with a repetitive whisper of _I am sorry._

Jeonghan has always been the best actor between them.

ii.

_“Jeonghan?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“I’m sorry I can’t change the way my mom wants my future to be. I’m sorry I can’t save our relationship.”_

_“It’s okay. I’m sorry I changed you and made your life harder. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. It’s been long since our break up, Shua. Go find another love. Please be happy with someone else.”_

ii.

The wedding of Joshua and Heejin goes smoothly. It is held at The Ritz Carlton Seoul, something Heejin wanted which Joshua did not bother to comment anything on it. All the preparations for the wedding—the venue, the guests, the catering; everything was managed by Heejin and her family.

As expected, his fans somehow manage to attend the event as well, but both families are too happy to even bother shooing those squealing fans away. Besides, nothing those fans do will affect what Joshua and Heejin have now.

Their fans let out a disappointment cry in unison after the bride and groom say their _I do_ , but they cannot do anything else other than that. For once, though, Joshua wishes those fans could do something for him, preferably ruining the wedding so that he could run away with Jeonghan to somewhere new when no one knows them and start all over again.

But he is sure the latter would hate him so much if he even tried to halt the wedding.

All the members of SEVENTEEN come to the wedding, including Jun who came all the way from Paris, and Joshua could not be happier at the reunion. It was hard to gather the twelve of his ex-groupmates at the same time, so it is really a miracle that they can do that now on his special day. After being officially announced that he is now a legal husband of Heejin, he spends the rest of the wedding day with his ex-groupmates, but he keeps a good distance from Jeonghan.

It is for the better.

He is someone’s husband now, and even though it is not what he wants, he has to act like he is happy with the marriage. That is what Jeonghan wants after all, no?

And when Jeonghan, in his best suit and hairstyle, steps on the small stage with Jihoon who is holding an acoustic guitar, he prays hard to not have a breakdown right then and there. The beautiful man, with his charming, boyish smile, says to the guests that he is going to sing a song with Jihoon for Joshua as his wedding gift.

The groom then inwardly curses at the fate’s cruel joke because, of all the songs Jeonghan knows, he chooses to sing Falling for You—their duet song. He hopes he can just disappear from this world right at this second.

This is too much.

Everything hurts.

“Shua,” Jeonghan softly calls after finishing the song, still sitting on stage with Jihoon. The guests stop clapping their hands and listen closely to what he is saying. “I still can’t believe you’re married. Wow, my gentleman is the first to get married in SEVENTEEN! Aish, you beat me!”

The guests laugh at the remark, but Joshua cannot find it in him to join them. His broken heart is still not fully mended.

Not wanting to raise any suspicion, he pulls the corners of his lips upward to form a small smile.

“Hong Jisoo. Joshua. Hey, as your best friend, I only want the best for you, and I’m so, so glad you’ve found the right person to accompany you for the rest of your life. Please be happy with her. Be happy, Shua.”

Jeonghan locks eyes with Joshua and smiles at him. It is a bit wobbly, and the groom thinks he is the only one who can see the sadness behind it, since he is certain that he is the only one who knows Jeonghan so well. He does not realize Jeonghan’s younger sister and Seokmin are exchanging glances since they can also understand the hidden meaning behind Jeonghan’s sentences.

He does not know how sorry they are for not being able to save their beautiful love.

The fans and the guests are now busy capturing the moment, murmuring hopes for Jeonghan to have a future wife soon and praises of how strong the friendship between Jeonghan and Joshua is, but Joshua could care less. What matters the most right now is the fact that Jeonghan is lying.

 _It is all in the eyes_ , Joshua remembers what he was once told by Jeonghan. _A smile is not genuine, unless the eyes smile, too. Words mean nothing, Shua, unless the eyes speak them, too_. And right now, he can perfectly see how broken Jeonghan actually is.

Unfortunately, everything is too late now.

“And Heejin,” Jeonghan shifts his gaze to the bride and gives her a soft, genuine smile. “Promise me you’ll always take a good care of Joshua and make him happy. Make sure to keep my best friend away from pain and hurt, okay? I’m counting on you, really. Please cherish him the way I did. Oh, and please don’t change anything in him. My Shua is perfect the way he is.”

The beautiful bride, who is oblivious to the tension between her husband and his best friend, nods her head and mouths _I will_ , the seemingly permanent smile on her face widening.

Joshua looks away.

Everything is over.

ii.

Seasons change, people change—everything changes, and Joshua has learnt the hard way that he needs to let go of things he cannot change.

He knows he is being unfair to Heejin by still believing that the spaces between his fingers are supposed to be filled with Jeonghan’s even after the first anniversary of their marriage, but he just cannot help it. He knows he is being unfair to Heejin by always imagining Jeonghan’s face so that he can say _I love you_ to her, but he does not see any other way to do it. He knows he is being unfair to Heejin whenever he sees her smile in understanding as he calls Jeonghan’s name instead of hers when they are eating or watching movies together, but he can do nothing about it.

And he also realizes that Jeonghan is so unfair to him as he witnesses how the latter is doing after his wedding party. Jeonghan has stopped inviting him for a hangout session. Heck, he even has stopped talking to Joshua on the phone.

There are times when Joshua thinks Jeonghan did not love him for real at all, but then he remembers all the loving memories they created together. All the laughs and smiles they shared should at least mean something, no? All those stolen kisses and lingering hugs speak volumes, too, Joshua believes.

But, right, Joshua is sure that Jeonghan probably does not know how much he treasures the limited time they spent together. No, Jeonghan does not need to know.

There are times when Joshua wants to ask if Jeonghan has found a new lover, but the small voice in his head always holds him back from doing so. _Everything is over, Joshua._

According to Seokmin, Jeonghan seems happier nowadays. Joshua did not know Jeonghan had a problem with eating after receiving the news about the wedding, in which Seokmin gave a death glare at him when he told him that because _you met him in person how could you not notice him getting skinny?_ , but at least Jeonghan has gained some weight now. Well, how could Joshua notice the change in his angel’s body if all he cared was how lucky he was to run into the love of his life and how he had to use the given chance wisely?

Joshua is glad to hear that Jeonghan looks happy now, and it means that he himself should be happy, too. After all, love is when someone else’s happiness is your happiness as well, right?

Joshua just does not know Jeonghan feeds himself every day so that he can continue living and see him happy with his marriage from afar. Joshua just does not know Jeonghan still cries himself to sleep every night at the remembrance of their good times in the past. Joshua just does not know Jeonghan has improved his acting skills.

All Joshua knows is that he is still not ready to let go of Jeonghan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i kinda forgot i had this fic going on huhuhu but yeay at least now i updated!


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